Not the Ending I Hoped For

Well, for a moment, there was hope. My doctor thought my knee(s) have just suffered from over use. He prescribed rest and a therapeutic dose of Ibuprophen. I rested and I popped pills like crazy. I went to physical therapy and accupuncture. But it didn't get enough better. Even just walking can produce a sharp pain.

So STP left without me yesterday. Sad.

I'm not sorry I tried, and I'm not sorry I went through the fundraising process. Reaching out to everyone I know and receiving such a heartfelt response was an amazing experience. And numerous people I know have been diagnosed or lost their battle with all kinds of cancer in these few months. It has been wonderful to feel like I was doing something to help.

But it's not what I wanted. And I'm not sure where to go from here. I'll keep you posted...

Coming to Terms

So the knee outlook isn't good. After a week of rest, it is barely any better on a short test ride.

I'm not sure what to do. I wasn't expecting this. And it's not at all what I wanted. I have a special appointment for a Physical Therapist to do a bike fit and give me some advice. But I'm not sure what to think. The gnawing fear that STP might not happen for me is starting to become familiar, and might just be true.

Stupid knee. The rest of me is so willing and ready.

We'll see.

The Hitch in My Get-Along

Finally, a great ride! 75 miles. Perfect 70 degree sunny weather. Pushing hard but feeling good. Working the momentum; cruising up the hills. Staying hydrated and fed along the way. Maybe I can do this after all. Maybe it will be as fun as I hoped. The french fries must be working! (Did I tell you about the new secret to my success? Seriously, Trader Joe's frozen fries for breakfast before a big ride. Seriously. Major carbohydrates.)

But in the last few miles my knee started complaining. And loudly. Ouch.

The next day, carried by the excitement I got out on my bike for a short follow-up ride (gotta finally start getting used to two days in a row). But the constant stabbing knee pain was still there, and I had to turn around. Grrr.

So I tried walking around Greenlake with a friend to at least move a little, but a vague muscle ache in my hip that I woke up with got steadily worse until I was limping around the last part of the lake. My friend noticed and told me I had a "hitch in my get-along", a phrase I found so charming that it was almost worth the pain and frustration.

But really?! Where did that come from? Can't I catch a break at some point?! And now the opposite calf is painfully tight, I think because of favoring that side. I finally do what I supposed to do and get myself where I'm supposed to be, and I am falling apart! How is that karmically fair?

Urrg.

Too Darn Hot

New Rule: 92 degrees is too hot for a bike ride.

We did an amazing Monroe - Lake Stevens - Arlington - Granite Falls ride on Saturday. I knew it was going to be hot, but the weather reports were saying upper 70s for that area. So I headed out with the "see how far I get" attitude, knowing that Saggy Bill could rescue me if necessary. Turns out it was a good thing I was able to take care of myself because Bill and his able assistant Erin were plenty busy with the 4-5 people who did need to be extracted from the course. Yikes.

Just to give you a little background info... I am personally NOT good in any kind of heat. I am from rainy Seattle and start to get really uncomfortable and not able to function somewhere around 81 degrees. But I made it! (Although we took a short-cut and only did 73 miles instead of the whole 80 as it seemed like people were dropping like flies.) The key was drinking lots and lots of water! And some with a good dose of electrolyte powder in it. I put my mind to it and drank, drank, drank all along the way - which I am normally not good at. At least twice I started to get signs of the dreaded dehydration headache, but I listened to it as a warning and drank lots more. It's amazing what our bodies can do, even under adverse circumstances. Especially when we know how to listen to them and take care of them.

Yes, we did it and we are proud to have perservered and conquered. But how about something in between freezing wet and roasting? Spring - ever heard of it?! Now would be a good time for those 70 degree sunny Saturday rides I was counting on. (On the bright side it appears I've officially broken the rain curse...)

I Heart the Slow Group

I finally made it on another big weekend ride! Between volleyball games, being sick, and awful knee pain, it had been at least a month since I had been with the group. Now volleyball is finally over (we made it to the league semi-finals!), and I have actually be doing my physical therapy and finally able to ride 40ish miles at a time pain free on my own - so I thought it was time to jump back in with the group.

But I was scared to go back. I was not really confident in my reasons for not following the training plan as perfectly as I think I'm supposed to. I've didn't think our volleyball season would last so long (I've never coached such a winning team). And I have been really frustrated and humbled by my recent pains and injuries. In the past, I have had to learn to deal with physical pain during both chronic and isolated injuries. But recently my body hasn't recovered like it used to. So I don't know what to do and waste a lot of time wishing reality was different. I'm used to being pleasantly surprised by what my body can accomplish. I'm not sure how to deal with new limitations and not sure when to give up. (I was genuinely worried that I would have to send out a "sorry, just kidding - but thanks for your money anyway" notice.)

But I remembered I could ask for help (which then meant I didn't feel like I needed to). And I mentally repeated words of wisdom from you all like "just do your physical therapy religiously".

And I decided to ride with a slower training group. Apparently I've been pushing my knees too hard - my average rpms need to be higher. I've gradually come around to realize that despite my apparent need to prove something through imaginary competition, I don't have to prove anything if I don't want to. Really, this is all probably enough exercise without pushing myself all that much along the way. I needed to realign my internal compass. My real goal is to fulfill that dream of completing STP and feel connected to being part of a collective good - or as my college roommate said "connect to our humanity".

And the funny thing? I love the slow group. I felt more connected and had more fun with the people this week than I had in all the other weeks of flying at maximum speed. We had great conversation while we rode, laughed a lot, and stopped for pie! Yes, it may have been the pie that won me over.

We did 60 miles from Marymoor Park to Snohomish to Monroe to Ames Lake to Marymoor Park. Well, it was 60 because we accidentally took the long way (aka got lost). FYI: realizing the you are lost after riding 50 miles - 1/2 of which was in the rain - is not a great feeling. But we dug deep, figured it out, and made it. It took like 6 hours (including that pie stop and a few others), but we made it! And I have the sore muscles to remind me of my accomplishment all day long...

Not a Fashion Show

I've been busy with 8th grade volleyball, so I haven't made it on the big exciting weekly ride for two weeks [gulp]. I've made it out on my own on the weekends, but not as far or as exciting. And my knee has hurt. So I'm feeling behind and a little worried. In the absence of exiting progress to share, how about a cycling fashion overview as promised long ago...

I remember when I was even resistant to wearing a helmet when riding across campus because the fashion risk was too high. Luckily I got over that. Hopefully I don't need to explain why I willingly sacrifice fashion and good hair for that one. I like to be alive.

Of course, we have to discuss the spandex. I'm sorry, but you just have to wear tight pants that stay out of the way of the chain. I learned that one when my chain ripped a hole in my favorite exercise pants. And despite the fact that it flatters only the most muscular of the population, spandex is a great material that moves with you and is comfortable wet or dry. And on any length of ride, you have to have bike shorts with the built-in chamois pad. Yes, it feels a little like a diaper at first, but really helps with comfort. (FYI, I'm not one of those women who could even try to pull off the skinny jean much less full spandex, so I have relatively tight pants that go over bike shorts which still leave a little to the imagination in cold weather.)

The bike jersey is tight because you don't want things flapping in the wind. And the pockets in the back are a fantastic idea. I, however, resit the standard short sleeve version because I don't want the tan lines, so I skip straight from long sleeves to tanks. I'm not sold on it having to be advertising something. As much as I can gather, it's just an announcement of hard core cycling. But it does look super cool when a whole pack of bikes wearing matching shirts goes by.

Florescent yellow? After all the horror stories about bikes being hit by cars, I'm going for every advantage of visibility that I can get.

Gloves help comfort in general and warmth when it's cold. And they are big for safety - which I learned back when I tried to hop over a railroad track on my old trail bike. The gloves absorb a lot of impact and can completely save your skin. That's why the (fingerless) gloves even when it's warm out.

Funny shoes that make you clomp and walk on your heals? I resisted these for a long time, but clipless petals and bike shoes with the rigid sole increase your power and efficiency astronomically. And I'll take any easy advantage I can get. I have mountain bike shoes that you can kind of walk in when you need to.

We have the rest of the day to look fabulous. Any questions?

When Inspiration is Needed

The weather finally cooperated last weekend. We had a beautiful ride through Fall City/Carnation farmland. Being out with the cows is my favorite! My toes were finally not numb, but my knee started really hurting. And not the regularly obstinate knee. Worrisome. When can I relax with the technical issues and focus on just complaining about my sore rear end like everyone else?!

Unfortunately, there seems to be a new policy among the weather gods that it needs to rain every other time Norma goes out for a ride. Seriously, even if it's clear all day, it starts dumping once I'm 10 miles out. I'm not sure what I've done, but I seem to have angered them.

Take a look at a great video by a school teacher, cancer survivor and TNT honor patient whose students created a Team in Training video. Great for if/when we need reminding about why we are doing this... http://www.fifeschools.com/media/shula/tntvideo08.html

When can we give up and call Saggy Bill?

Today we did a 40 mile Kent to Black Diamond loop, which would have been a beautiful ride if it hadn't rained for the first half of it. And right before the halfway mark I totally lost steam - which a snack actually seemed to help. Maybe I need more breakfast than my usual yogurt and granola?! (One of the coaches suggested french fries before a ride. I could totally get on board with that idea.) Or maybe I could/should be more diligent about getting those weekday miles in...

As an added bonus, several other things went wrong for me. I often get numb toes in my bike shoes and someone suggested it could be as simple as too-tight socks, so I tried different socks than my regular thin Smartwool. And I regretted it. It was also the first time I had used my new gloves in the all-out rain. Right after the halfway bakery, I couldn't feel my toes and couldn't work my breaks with my frozen fingers - and I started to genuinely worry about how long you can go without feeling in your appendages before you start losing them (anyone know?). And being covered with mud, even in my mouth, was getting old.

Finally I did the seemingly impossible, and I asked for help which luckily I received in the form of a hand warmer - don't leave home without them. And how am I rewarded? Flat Tire. So the whole team (7 people) who were cold themselves had to wait and get more cold while I clumsily wrestled with the tire. I was dangerously close to calling Saggy Bill, the driver of the S.A.G. (Support And Gear) vehicle, to come extract me from the field permanently and figure out if I could give people their money back. (Yes, they really call him Saggy Bill, and he doesn't seem to mind.)

What exactly is the universe trying to teach me?! Yes, I have trouble being vulnerable and depending on people. I just didn't know I was going to have to work on it here. I thought the physical part was challenge enough. As my therapist's friend would call it, "another f***ing opportunity for personal growth!"

I've had better days. But I've had worse. And many other people have had much worse. So the adventure goes.

Roadside Attractions

This week's big group ride was 35ish miles on the West Valley Highway from Kent to Puyallup. (I learned where Sumner is along the way - yes, I grew up here and should know that already.) Apparently it was a section of the STP route. It's not terribly scenic, which is what they say about most of the STP route - so I'm a little worried. At least it was nice and flat. With not a lot to look at, I was keenly aware of what was there...

• Tarp World (am I the only one excited about that?)
• roadkill - possums, rat, mouse, and a really gross racoon
  
• two llamas (both alive, one pooping)
• an old exersaucer in a ditch
  
• my first angry dog chasing me (scary)

Sorry, not so glamorous - but true. This weekend's ride is supposed to be better.

When I got home, I crashed on the couch and inadvertantly slept for 4-5 hours. This seemed a little excessive and worrisome. Apparently, it might mean I'm not drinking enough water over the course of my week. I put a "wag more, bark less" sticker on my water bottle at work to hopefully help inspire me to drink more.

The good news is that I learned that recovery drinks aren't just a gymmick; they really are a good idea for endurance activity. And even better, the same possitive effects can be achieved by drinking chocolate milk! Yum. So Trader Joe's chocolate soy milk (doesn't need to be refrigerated while you ride) will be waiting for me at the end of every ride.

Getting Back Up on the Bike

I was sick for over a week - like everyone else it seems, including the contestants on American Idol (that's how bad I felt). I had a hard time functioning at all, so I didn't get out on my bike for almost two weeks [gulp]. Plus, I couldn't make it on the last two Saturday team rides anyway due to coaching volleyball games. So I've felt disconnected and behind; therefore igniting my first feelings of resistance to getting on my bike. It feels a little too soon in the game to already feel that way. Luckily, our coach, Russ, is on my fridge telling me to ride my bike - which reminds me both of the good people involved (probably not waiting to scold me, as I fear) and the reasons bigger than myself for doing all this.

I got out of the house by allowing myself to pop my bike on top of Ruby Sue and drive to the Burke Gilman Trail rather than face the embarrassingly small hill between my house and the trail. I needed to get in 35ish miles, so I decided to head from the BGT to Alki then Lincoln Park via the waterfront and the Spokane Street bridge. My knees complained at first and I was slower than I'd like, but I put This American Life and Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me podcasts in one ear (just one ear, I promise - we can talk about earphones and bike safety later) and, as usual, I eventually got into a groove. I definitely have an endurance body - I finally really get going after about 9-10 miles. And pretty soon I was slightly embarrassed for laughing out loud to myself, but feeling good about life again. I swear cycling has a direct effect on my brain chemistry.

The only real adventure came in the form of a brief thunderstorm where I was pelted with freezing rain while being able to see blue sky everywhere else around the city - feeling like that cartoon where the little cloud followed the guy around... and I re-learned the lesson that I should always take one more layer than it looks like I'll need for any outdoor adventure. If the weather turns at all, everything can change.

Then almost back to the car, I spotted by my most recent boyfriend for the first time since we broke up, and he was walking with a woman I didn't recognize. Surprisingly, I had an delightfully peaceful and content reaction... maybe there are all kinds of healing possible through riding a bike.

You never know who...

You never know who your actions could affect or how we are all connected. I was surprised to hear this from a college friend...

"Great to hear that you are doing STP and even better that you are raising fund for LLS. My nephew is currently undergoing treatment for leukemia. He was diagnosed at 16 months in May 2006 and we have a projected end date of treatment being October 2009. It's still a long road ahead of us, but he is strong and we have a great network of supportive friends and family. My nephew's name is Colin and here is a website that has a journal of his treatment as well as photos so you can see just how dang cute he is! www.caringbridge.org/visit/colinmatthewward"

Got a little teary after that email, too. I may need more kleenex for this whole project.

Secret Cycling Signals

I almost played hookie from a group ride for the first time (already). I was starting to feel crummy, so I had one of those conundrums - will pushing myself make it worse or will I feel better if I get out there and get moving? I got up. I got back under the covers. I got up. I dove back in. Finally I decided to just get up, start getting myself there, and reserve the right to turn back at any time (interestingly, the same approach I use to make myself go to parties where I won't know people). I was tired the whole time, but glad I got out there. Of course, now I'm on the couch with a full fledged cold, but at least I feel like I earned the down time.

We went around Lake Sammamish (22 mi), which was fun but had some hairy side-of-road conditions. Lots of things on the side of the road easily threaten balance on those skinny road bike tires and therefore our lives (that's why bikes don't always get all the way over to the side of the road; please be patient and/or vote for bike lanes). The first time I went on a ride with a group of cyclists, I was so impressed with how helpful and polite they were... they kept pointing out road hazards like bumps, holes, and glass for me. Turns out that is standard practice and completely necessary for riding close together in a group when you can't see what's up ahead (other than the dairy aire in front of you).

I bet you already know about putting an arm out for a left turn signal and the funny "L" shaped arm for right turn (I always wondered why you didn't just throw your right arm out; it's because the cars are usually on that side of you). But that's just the beginning! Slowing or stopping is an arm down with palm facing back, and for a grate/hole/post/etc. you point and yell whatever it is. Going around something up ahead (a pointing around your back motion) and loose gravel (jazz hand out to the side) are my favorite. The only catch is that I seem to need both hands on the handlebars when something worthy of signaling about comes up.

Then there are other great things to yell like "car back", "dog up", and of course, "on your left" (one of those musical phrases that reminds me of my dad, being a kid, and the Burke-Gilman Trail). But I'll spare you and leave it at that. Stay tuned for a lively exploration of all that super-stylish bike attire... trust me, there are good reasons why cyclists choose to look that silly.

Unsolicited bike safety tip of the day: Did you know you should replace your helmet after one crash or every 3-4 years regardless? It's true, so do it. Luckily, price has nothing to do with the safety functionality as long as there's a CPSC sticker.

The Letter that Wrote Itself

When I signed up for Team in Training, I was excited about the team part and the training part, but skeptical about the fundraising part. I am very uncomfortable asking people for money. Even for something I know is important. And when they give us all of their creative fundraising ideas, I think "That's nice, but I'm not doing that!"

But after one meeting where they made us cry with a film about a girl who died of leukemia whose dad completed an Ironman in her honor, I felt the depth of what we were doing. I remembered how heart wrenching it was to slowly lose one of our favorite moms at school to cancer last year. And I began to hear a voice that could risk enough to speak up out. Even though I have only been peripheraly affected by cancer (so far, knock-on-wood), I've struggled down a few dark roads that revealed some of how precious life is and the potential for my own strength. Once I connected my own experience to the cause, I started typing the dreaded fundraising letter and was astounded to see how quickly it revealed itself on my screen.

It felt like a big risk sending my heart out in a letter asking for something in return. But worth it - for myself and for what it might accomplish. And when I got my first donations with beautiful words of encouragement, I got tears in my eyes! Thank you.

Time Trial Angst

We had a "time trial" ride around Mercer Island to see which training groups we should break up into. It is amazing how much my ego is wrapped up in how I compare to other people. I firmly believed that I should ride at the "conversational pace" they recommend to best gauge my appropriate starting training pace, but I really want to WIN! And it's been a while since I've really ridden on a regular basis, so I'm not happy with the numbers on my speedometer. Settle down, lady. I know better than to push too hard at the beginning of any ride; a lesson too hard learned to repeat.

But it felt great to get out there and push it!! And then I ate grilled cheese with my niece and nephew and skipped caucusing. Not a bad day.

Your Physical Therapist is Your Friend?

I felt some nagging knee pain on our first ride, so I finally gave in and got an appointment with a physical therapist (I'm not gonna make it 2,600 miles + 204 miles in pain). I've had knee pain since swimming in high school when no one really took it seriously, including myself. Then playing water polo and swimming in college really did them in. And one of the kneecaps can dislocate, so I have to be careful. It seemed to work to take everything really slow when I started my mini-triathlon phase two years, and biking seemed to help. But I've been slacking off majorly this winter and the pain has came back.

I was excited to do something good to take care of myself. But the experience was completely blah. We just didn't click. I'm sure the therapist was competent, but I don't think "loosey goosey" is a technically a medical term (using it once or twice is fine, but a more specific diagnoses might inspire more confidence). And the way she was talking, I felt like it was my fault that my knee hurt me. She told me to do leg lifts, which was what I heard ten years ago, and sent me on my way. Even worth the $20 co-pay? I'm thinking not.

So what do I do? How personally attached to the professional service providers in your life do you have to be to be productive? I don't know what I would do if I didn't love my doctor, and I know I need a great relationship with my hairdresser, or it's not happening. I don't have other options nearby within my health plan, but isn't it rude to try someone else in the same clinic? I don't want go there dreading the possibility of passing her in the hall. It's not fair! I was trying to do something good, but now it's too complicated.

Maybe I'll just do my own leg lifts for free and hope for the best.

Ride Your Bike to Portland!

My next "Life List" item is a go. Last summer was the summer of the triathlon, something I had always wanted to do but never thought I could. This summer it is STP! I blame Laura for setting the standard back when we were 14. Finally it's my turn. I signed up for Team in Training, so there's no backin' out now!

STP is one of those things that I keep thinking will happen for me someday. As if life is something that just happens to me. A few years ago I was waiting for another (much more achievable) event to happen - seeing Dave Matthews at the Gorge - when in a rare moment of clarity, I asked a friend to go, bought tickets online, and voila - dream achieved. And when Dave spontaneously broke into Blackbird the next year, I had one of those rare moments when there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be.

After that, I looked at these vague ideas of "things I've always wanted to do" little differently, and I started to pull some of them out of idea state into list form:

• See DMB at the Gorge (check)
• Swim across the bay at our cabin (note: Boy Scout Camp on the other side might have something to do with that childhood dream, but check)
• Sew a quilt (with a little help from Mom, but check)
• Knit a sweater (3yr old size, but check)
• Build a bookcase (a garage and one Spring Break later, check)
• Visit Santa Fe (check)
• Triathlon (check, check, and check - warning: some items may become habit forming)
• STP (workin' on it)
• Climb Mt Rainier (next summer?)
  
• Learn Spanish
• Make gnocci from scratch
• Paint a still life of an eggplant
• Learn to weld
• Fly fish in Montana, hike in Utah Nat'l Parks, surf in Costa Rica, drink wine in Italy... (and a good list of other destination specific adventures)
• Learn to play Blackbird on the guitar (I've always said I could die happy if I could do this, and I'm thinking I should work on it just in case...)

I have a few other dreams that are a little loftier and involved, but it turns out there are many things I want out of life that may actually be achievable. Experiences that I want to become part of who I am. To broaden my experience of myself and the world. And not to be so held back by fear. To get into life and be more of myself.

There is so much we do not have control over in life. But what if we could maximize that which we do have some control over? Who could we be? What could we achieve? You'd think I'd have gotten to the gnocci by now.